Nothing grabs a man’s attention – or distracts him – more than sex. I can’t tell you exactly what Adriana Lima said in her Teleflora commercial (it’s a miracle I even remember the product) but I can tell you that I will definitely be ordering my next floral product from them.
But sexualizing everyday objects can be an analogy to bigger lessons in life. Like when I was eating my organic hickory-smoked pistachios today. Who would have thought green nuts could advise on blue balls?
I came across a pistachio with a wide open shell. I was angered. I felt cheated that there was nothing in there. I called these pistachios the sluts of the bag. They’re wide open, who knows what the fall out will be and if anything, they have nothing to offer. Stay away from them, gentlemen.
And then there’s the other case - shells that are shut with nothing but a kitten’s scratch of a crack. These are the ones who haven’t played with fire yet. My only fear was that the shells didn’t allow that sweet, smokey hickory flavor to pass through. What was the worst that could happen? I get a bland, anti-climactic pursuit for something that I should not have even started. But I was determined to break that shell. I didn’t want to cause a scene, I couldn’t let anyone know I was banging around. I smacked it with a glass. I dug my fingernail in the crevice. Nothing. I tried to claw at it like a tiger or a lion – still, nothing. The key to success: when in doubt, use your mouth.
I popped that shell in my mouth and got a taste of that hickory dust on the shell. This was going to be good. I was hoping to be wrong. And I pushed that pistachio back on my right molar, I pushed down, I brought the force and it came out as a giant CRUNCH. It all fell apart. I couldn’t tell the nut from the shell from my molar. Did I need to go to a doctor or a dentist? Do I taste blood?
I grabbed a towel and spit. And yes, I looked at the shell, the smokin’ green body laying mangled in my spit. It was a lesson I needed to learn. Don’t pressure the ones who aren’t ready. You’re just asking for a mess in your hands.
It's time to move on from the pistachio. Beyond that shell is just a wrinkled green nut that's all smoke and no fire. I should just stick to brazil nuts. That dark skin is on fire but smooth to the touch. The thicker, the better.
