A Furry Friend

Every great man has had a furry voice of reason along his side: Calvin and his Hobbes, Mowgli and his baloo, Aladdin and his Apu. I have found a beast of my own – my beard. It is a tremendous artifact. A sociological phenomenon, if you will, that makes every social interaction a fruitful discussion. It’s the only thing a man can stroke in public. It’s history’s embodiment of universal wisdom. There’s a lot to learn and here’s what I have to share: 

The Reactions

The reactions I received fell into the following:

1. What’s that on your face?
2. Oh my god, I didn’t recognize you.
3. “I love it”
4. “I’m jealous”
5. I wish I could do that.
6. “GROSS”
7. I hope you’re not going to an airport anytime soon. 

There were also follow up questions such as:

1. When is it coming off?
2. What bet did you lose?
3. Why? Just tell me why?!

With which I usually responded:

What’s that on your face?

Masculinity.

Why? WHY?

“Because I can” 

Real Friends

You learn who your real friends are. The truest of them will be as honest as you ask them to be and a friend who can actually do that is one keeping around. My friends have given a broad range of opinions from the “it’s hideous; you look homeless” to speechless applause. And I have agreed with all of them at one point or another. Sometimes I look like a caveman and sometimes I look like the wise man who can tell stories into the late hours of the night. For those who gave me their honest thoughts, thank you.

The Name Generator

I’ve collected a handful of nicknames over the past decade but having a beard has extended that list at an alarming rate. Some of my favorite nicknames:

•  Haji
•  Mukhi
•  Imam
•  Ayatollah
•  Pirate
•  Osama’s little brother
•  Lumberjack
•  Paul Bunyan
•  Sardar
•  The Indian:
•  Ben Affleck from Argo
•  Ernest Hemingway
•  Justin Long
•  Most Interesting Man in the World (or rather, his protégé)
•  James Harden
•  Baron Davis

 Yet nobody called me a hipster. I’ll take it as a compliment.

The Suggestions

I didn’t understand the whole mustache obsession going on with everyone male and female. People love fake mustaches (yet real ones creep everyone out) and asking punny questions such as “I mustache you a question.” I’m starting to see it now. It’s a great starting point of light-hearted creativity and with the beard, there are plenty of suggestions. I love that these costume ideas are consistent with the assumption that a man with a beard has big cajones or  small brains.

You should:

1. Wear an eyepatch
2. Wear an eyepatch and a parrot.
3. Wear a turban
4. Wear a turban and carry rosary beads
5. Wear a turban, carry rosary beards and go to the airport.

The Goodbye

Life isn’t actually too much harder with a beard. My motivation changed throughout the experience. First, I was too lazy to shave. Then I started gaining friendly support for it. I hit the point of no return in early February and I decided to own my beard and run with it. Yes, I am at an airport twice a week but that caused absolutely no hardship. Over the course of 16 visits to the airport, I only lost a total of 4 minutes, mostly due to one TSA officer trying to be funny. Sometimes there were rough patches (pun intended) where my face itched so much but the attention made it all worth it. The conversations, the stroking of the intellectual fibers, the mystery of what was behind the beard created a joyous ride. There were times where I just want to shave it all off because I was annoyed by having to always grab a napkin. Food stuck in your beard negates every ounce of maturity it bestows. And trust me, there’s a lot of maturity that comes with it. People were thinking I was in my 30s. Not necessarily a bad thing, but not a great thing either. 

What possessed me to shave it? First, it was laziness again. It was time consuming to have to trim and groom it. The weather was becoming another pain point. To get to the skin of the question, it had grown a personality of is own and I didn’t know what to do with it. The thoughtfulness of the beard had disappeared. The novelty was gone. I started to notice beards everywhere. It was this new sense of vision for facial hair and I did not like what I saw. I saw homeless people with shaggy beards, I saw weird hipsters with ugly tattoos. What I saw wasn’t somebody you could befriend, nobody that struck you as a doppelganger Dumbledore in sight or personality or legacy. 

I did not want to turn into one of those people that made you uneasy on the Muni, or somebody you didn’t want to send a friendly smile toward. I didn’t see myself the same way people would see the beard. 

But through it all, it was a phase of Zahir that I’m not ready to fully give up. There’s still more to learn, to ponder and discuss. One day my pocket of stories will run dry and where will I turn to replenish? Well, I don’t fear the beard will disappoint.

I (kinda) miss you, beard.  I’ll see you in November. 

Some Advice

Gentlemen, my brothers, let me impart unto you three valuable pieces of advice. Following all three of them will guarantee that your female companion will not be displeased. These three guidelines will help you arrive to closer to your goal – but they may fall short. They are best used when in doubt. When the right choice is unclear, think back on these rules and you will not go wrong.

     1.    Tuck it in.

There are times when there is no question – the shirt is tucked in or tucked out. The choice is clear and everyone is good to go. The reality is that most everyday situations are not obvious. You might think you know which way to go, but you need a second opinion. This is your second opinion. If you’re unsure, tuck it in. Going to a nice dinner but you might hit up a club later? Tuck it in. Going out to watch the game? Don’t. Meeting up with coworkers after the office? Tuck it in. Weekend coffee break? Nah. A man who has tucked his shirt in looks smarter. It’s always the little things that elevate a gentleman to GQ status. People will take you seriously, including yourself. Sure, you run the risk of looking like a dork but that’s okay. Nerds, geeks, or dorks – whatever you want to call them – they’re making a comeback and they’re first in line to catch the women you want to be with. Smart has never been sexier and the way you show it (or fake it) is by tucking it in. Clearly, we’re talking shirts here but if ever in doubt in any situation and you don’t know where to start: tuck it in.

     2.    Moisturize.

Moisturize, often and well. You’re smart enough to figure out where. For starters, begin with the obvious: elbows, hands, ankles, face, knees and heels.  Yes, men are rough but that pertains to the inside (mostly). Your first impression should grab her by all five senses: smart looks, a sensual smell, a gripping tone and a smooth touch (oh, and carry Altoids just in case).  The sense of touch is underrated today. If you master your sense of touch, you have enormous capabilities in your hands: you have the power to calm nerves and gain trust on a more genuine level. The way a person physically feels to the touch can directly affect someone’s emotions. Can you be the King Midas of the heart? It sounds like a pansy idea but it’s important enough where she’ll notice. A soft tickle where you know she’ll smile is the most effective catalyst to getting to wherever you want to go. It’s a small investment that will pay big rewards. She’ll appreciate it every ounce of it. Now don’t go overboard. Stay away from the fruity shit and stick to neutral fragrances. You’re a busy man who takes time to groom because you don’t intend your first impression to be your last. And with that, you don’t want to become her shopping buddy to The Body Shop.

     3.    She’s Right.

Don’t argue because in the end, she’s right. Yes, you could be right too. It’s possible to both be right, but she’s more right. Women just know what’s going to happen next. They have this magical ability to know how a situation will end. How many times have you seen a male fortune-teller? Even if she’s blatantly wrong, don’t argue. Tell her she’s right and be suave with the situation. If you can find a way to tell her she’s right and wrong at the same time, quit reading and start sharing. Make it a learning opportunity for both of you? There have been plenty of times when the only woman in the room has made a suggestion and the men scramble around and try all sorts of seemingly logical experiments and in the end – they would have saved a lot of time and effort had they just listened to her. She doesn’t know everything and neither do you, but to make a wise decision, to be efficient with what you have – make your decision together. Trust her as much as you can because if she’s with you, she’s made one right decision and that’s all it takes.