Sporks Need Not Apply

I think it's great that families sit down together for dinner. There's no better place for learning and growing. A couple days ago, my family and I set out for some Thai food; this is rare because my parents hate trying new places. Yelp did its part and got them out of the house and the restaurant upheld their part of the bargain and served some great food. The dinner was mostly quiet because everyone was hungry but I had a chance to reflect on some of my favorite types of food among other things. Here we go:

My least favorite vegetable: Peas

I hate peas because they're so damn annoying. Everything about them is tedious: trying to cook them, trying to enjoy them, trying to convince other people to even eat them—just about everything about them. It even extends to the phrase "two peas in a pod." What the hell is that supposed to mean? I've never seen a pea pod with just two peas in them. And I don't want to be like you, I don't want to be in the same freaking pod with you. Give me some space yo. Anybody who says I'm a pea in a pod with them is going to get charged at with me riding a bull. Are you going to cite edamame beans and say they have two in legumes in them? Well the saying is PEAS. Not, soy products. And I'm mildly allergic to them so back off. But back to peas, they're not getting off so easily. Peas even taste bitter to me. The texture of putting tiny mushy balls with wrinkly skin is just disgusting. Like a certain citrus party that was an internet meme years ago. But yes, I hate peas. Are you supposed to eat them with a fork or a spoon? To me, it doesn't matter – they taste nasty either way. They can go screw themselves and let people observe how cringe-worthy they are. Mendel had it right – count them, feel them, stare at them from whatever angle you like, just don't freaking eat them.

My favorite vegetable:
Steak

Okay, so steak isn't a vegetable, but I do like what steak likes. So through some transitive property, I do heavily favor vegetables, not surprisingly, those eaten by steak, I mean, cows. I enjoy grasses and leaves like Romaine lettuce, and bean sprouts. Basil makes anything at least 5 times better. Celery is definitely delicious when paired with peanut butter or ranch. Broccoli is most enjoyed like everything else – steamy (and a little bit of ranch doesn't hurt.) Cows also eat a lot of oats and grains which works out nicely! I like lentils prepared in any good ol' Indian way. They're good for humans and they make my steak tasty! You can use those grains to make a healthy soup or any other powerful elixir. They're so versatile that you can put them to work any which way.

My least favorite fruit:
Peas

These nasty spheres are considered vegetables from a culinary view but botanically, they're actually fruits. It's like a nasty mushy banana except small, round and mucus colored green. It's another reason to hate them twice as much.

My favorite fruit: Ellen DeGeneres

Ellen DeGeneres is my favorite fruit: her bright personality, sweet heart, and peachy attitude just make her so lovable. She's not afraid to be who she is. She's good for you. And she does what's right too. I remember her when she had strawberry blond hair. But even today, her rosy tomato red cheeks are a reflection of how pure her heart is. And in the tiny chance she is blue (I don't think she can ever be as blue as a blueberry), you just want to give her a hug and squeeze her like you would a freshly picked orange for your morning juice. And her views on sustainability and green energy! I think people in the future will judge more how efficiently you recycle than how well you pull off green eye-shadow. And as for Ellen, her love for the animals and the planet make her greener than the bright green of a raw mango you pick at the beginning of the harvest, hoping for it ripen into a sweet, soft nectar. And she's so spontaneous with that unpredictability we admire but lack. Give her a ripe and firm banana and at best we have a 50% chance of knowing what she'll do it with it.

(In reality: At the end of the day, it's wrong to hate food because there are people who would be extremely grateful to have that in their life. Be grateful and try things in moderation; over-indulgence can kill simple joys of life)