There’s No Way I Can Do This Many Things…and Not Be Pissed Off

Anger management time homies! The entree is a cynical with a heavy pinch of sarcasm and no sympathy for miles.

1. There are certain pledge bros that piss the fuck out of me.
   
   1. Finster – your fucking rhetoric is getting us nowhere. We need more actions to accomplish our shit. Also, you're doing a really good job of fulfilling the "frat boy" stereotype. Get a damn grip.
      
   2. Pretty Boy P - You fucking dick. Could you not say no? Did you have to take the chance? Do you think it's a fucking joke? Not with Dedick.
      
   3. Fake Mexican – you damn cockblock. That's all I can say to you.
      
   4. Mickey Mouse Smile – must you act like a freshman?
      
   5. Hiney – Stop being a stalker. Seriously, open your eyes and experience life and try to be Type B personality. May I suggest growing a pair or is that too much?
      
2. IFC – you guys are pretty damn inconsistent. I think you're leaning toward disgrace.
   
3. AKYSB – stop underestimating me and my capabilities. Al, you're damn condescending.
   
4. My grades are satisfying, but I'm not happy with them. Or am I just lying to myself?
   
5. I need to get on an internship search pronto.
   
6. Sara, I really want to write you a letter. In fact, I just want to sit on a train from Riverside to Union Station and spend the trip telling you all that you deserve to know.
   

And now what made me happy:

1. The restoration of balance. Balancing my extracurriculars with my friends, that feels good. That centers me. Honestly, these lunches and dinners, as expensive as they are, they are extremely helpful. I can't thank you guys enough.
   
2. I wrote in my journal a few weeks ago. It was a bunch of questions pertaining to what makes greatness. I found my answer on the Wall Street Journal with Malcolm Gladwell's (my new favorite author) Outliers. In his new book, he will essentially attempt to answer all my questions.
   
   1. Now as a side-note, here's what I'm wondering. If I'm asking the same questions as he is, does that make me as smart as him? Does that mean that I too can be on the same path as him? According to him, it's the strength of the serendipity that is involved. Which brings me back to the original question: what exactly makes greatness and how much power do we, as humans, have to manipulate the factors?
      
3. Vancouver – I'm so excited to finally take a break.
   

I have blogs on my phone. I need a way to get them from the Mobile Word to BlogSpot. Without that shit being expensive.

And I need to learn how to operate without sleep. I think I'm a sleep-a-holic. Seriously, I believe that I can sleep my problems away. That's really not good (but neither is going cold turkey…especially concerning sleep).

I've decided that right now, my sweet spot is for blondes. I am definitely digging blondes.

I have rediscovered my love for Indian music. Just the way it resonates to me, I feel like Indian music speaks truly to my soul rather to my senses.

Rebellion as Our Fuel

"What's your fantasy?"
"Like sexual?" she questioned back at him. Her defense was on the rise.
"No. I mean, in general. A fantasy, a dream: some aspiration that you have"

The chemical interaction had begun. It was a complete social setting, but the parallels to science are too obvious. It felt like a slow reaction was occurring. All the elements were mixing together. Reservation, spontaneity, insanity. They were all mixing with booze as the catalyst. You know trouble is lurking somewhere. This is the story of how it comes out.

About 7 donut holes, a sip of a wine cooler, and quite possibly a Fat Tire later she answers my question. "I want to see the sunrise at the beach! You want to go!?"

"I'm down". You can't expect any emotion from me when I'm tipsy.
"Seriously?"
"Yeah. Let's go".
"Like this?" as she looked at her Halloween costume. She was either a Sarah Palin transitioning to a nun or a librarian feeling naughty.
"of course not. We're going to change". My costume was beyond ridiculous. Skinny jeans and Converse do not belong on the beach no matter who you are (and let's not mention the hair and make up)

And so it began.

Before we know it, we're on the 60 east passing Pyrite Street. That exit reminds me of fire. I feel like every time I pass it, I have to light something on fire.

"We're really crazy".
"yeah, I know. The way I see it, it's either now or never. No regrets"

The trip continued with a conversation between two normal friends with their world shrinking around and between them.

Almost by instinct, the car parks in the perfect spot. They sit and slowly fall asleep. Waiting is the name of the game.

And she wakes up saying "oh wow". The surfers look like ants. Did that ant just die? Oh wait, he's still alive.

Now the game is to not blink. Seriously.

We sit there talking about which shade of yellow and orange we love. Which color mesmerizes us the most?

It's the goldenrod yellow for her, the burnt orange for me. If you blink, you might miss the shade you love the most.

Uh oh. The clouds are still there. I hated the clouds. As I sat there waiting for that gorgeous flaming ball to come up, I imagined the clouds to be like a lid. How dare the clouds try to stop the sun from rising? I hoped for the all powerful orb to push the clouds out of the way, send them back where they came from and show off its full glory.

Music was needed so I start browsing through my playlist. "Banana Pancakes" sounds good. I'm scrolling and scrolling and I see "Here Comes the Sun". Perfect. I saw a snowflake smile. It was a smile that was never seen before and never to be seen again; pure and genuine and only to be seen for a split second.

But there was an interesting turn in events. The cursed clouds began to turn into a canvas of never-seen colors. The naked eye saw shades of purple and violet reflected in the clouds that I never thought the sun had in it. What started as a curse turned into a blessing.

The best part of the trip was not just watching the sun rise. It was the drive back. Everything felt so surreal. Did we really drive out to LA for a sunrise?

It was more than seeing the sun rise, it was escaping. It was getting away from everything. It was turning an everyday event into our prize. For a full 12 hours, she and I were on our own, relying on our wits. "Here Comes the Sun" will always sound sweeter to me, In-N-Out hasn't hit the spot like that in about 3 years, and I'm pretty sure she and I will never look at the sun the same way again.

People label insanity as a curse, just like those clouds: for today, without any regrets, that insanity was a blessing.

The Good Life

Oh man am I living the rock star life style. Work hard, play hard: two midterms in two days, two country clubs in two days (along with two parties in two days). There also a downside to this hardcore lifestyle. I've pissed in more places that weren't toilets than were toilets. Yes, I know it's dirty, but it comes with the life.

My Epiphany

What if the world was upside down and we could walk on the sky?

In a right-side up world,

When you get sad, you look down

At the pavement.

 

The pavement is a dirty place. Full of footprints

And dirt and lots of dust. That stuff is dirty.

There's no way it can cheer you up. In fact,

It just makes you more depressed.

 

But if the world were upside down and we walked upon the sky,

Every time we were consumed with sadness,

We would like down and see no pavement

But we would see the sky and the stars,

And their twinkling would lift our gloom.

 

-Zahir Alibhai

10/24/2008

 

I had to write that poem and separate it from the filth below.

The Recount

Talk about emotion last night, there was plenty of it. I think it's important to recollect what happened at the Delt Big on the 23^rd. It's quite important.

I got there and it was cracking. Sunshine was already fucked up like no other. Apparently, he had been drinking for an hour and a half. I got a beer and I was still sober.

Then I go up to Rich and I tell him I'm still sober. He just gives me his can of Monster and says "kill it". I ask him what's in it and he just says "don't ask, just drink". I think it was Popov. Oh well. Whatever that shit was, it got me hammered real quick.

And obviously she shows up with him. Haha that was humorous. I totally tried to ignore her and every time she tried to talk to me, I just said "bye". She even said to me "you said we had to run into each other, so here, we're running into each other". For some reason, that upset me. You don't call out shit like that.

And then the cops came. First they came one by and one, discreetly. They circled the place and blocked off the entrance. Then the chopper arrived and all the blue and reds turned on. Not good.

Donna and Julia were driving. Julia was probably disgusted by everything but I think my humor distracted her from it, so it all balances out in the end.

And then I didn't just get cock-blocked, I was fucking cock-deflected to next year. I call her to make sure she's getting home safely and HE picks up. There is no other slap in the face that hurts more. Just by answering the phone he said "Hey bitch, I got her, she's mine so back the fuck off. I'm takin' care of her so go and leave". Yeah, that's why it hurt.

And then Donna gave me toast, again. It was much tastier than the previous toast she gave me, but it was easier to eat the last toast. I wish it had the thickness of the last toast with the taste of the current toast. That would have been excellent.

Then she got me fresh donuts. I ate one and threw it away. Too much sugar in one night.

And there was a vomit episode somewhere in there.

I went to sleep and damn it felt good to sleep. Most important in the next post.

Wisdom from Within

So today I am officially off the UCR Raas team. I don't know if they dropped me or if I resigned. I'm going to say I resigned to protect my dignity. It's 11:11 pm, make a wish. Anyways, when I told them and the drop was confirmed, I felt sad. I didn't want to give up Garba. It's what I have left of my Indian culture at UCR and really, I enjoy garba SO much. But alas, there are slightly more important things that I have committed my time to.

The hardest thing was saying no. I felt so weak. I felt vulnerable and that I wasn't good enough for life in general. It's like someone gave me this challenge and I had to step away. Hmph, me and my ego. Always thinking that we can do anything together. But the reality is we can't. It takes strength to say no and it's even more noble to say no when you're the weakest leak. Take one for the team, but more importantly, say it so that I may not falter and bring others down with me.

And also, I hate liars*. If you're with someone, just say so, don't beat around it. We're all adults here and by keeping secrets, you're actually the one being a child.

 

-Zah

 

*Yes, I know I lie too, but they're always joke-lies. When people ask me "are you serious?" I respond with "no". If you ask me for the truth without the humorous context, I will give it to you without hesitation.

Literary Release

There she was just flirting with the guys. They were crazy for her, but not like I was. I was way in over my head. I thought I deserved her and they knew better than that. Usually reason is motivation to do or say anything, but right now, it was alcohol and there was plenty of it. He took a shot, went up to her and said "Look, we need to have a serious conversation. Seriously serious"

Confused as hell she said "Umm okay".

"Look, I want to get to know you. And a lot of the questions I have are very personal and really, I don't want to invade your privacy" he slurred quickly. "SO if it at any point, you don't want to answer, just say 'that's personal' and I'll back off. No questions asked. I will provide the answer myself with my assumptions. And at the same time, feel free to ask me anything"

"Okay." She was definitely not ready for this.

"Who was your first boyfriend?"

"What are you trying to get at?"

"Fine. How many boyfriends have you officially had?"

She replied with her number.

"How many boys have you been romantically with, kind of like … an unofficial boyfriend?"

She replied a slightly higher number.

"Interesting. When was your first romantic kiss?" He thought she was going to say something along the lines that she's never kissed a boy. Instead, she responded with an age. Looks like she was the pulling surprises.

"Are you currently romantically involved with someone right now. If you lie to me" and added her name to the end to emphasize his point. Just because the alcohol was doing the talking did not mean that later on he couldn't follow up the threat. "I will never speak to you again. Just watch"

"that's too personal" she said.

"Moving on. Is the person you're romantically involved with in the same building as you?"

"Possibly".

"In the past 6 weeks, the entire time you've known me, have you ever thought of me as being your boyfriend? Has it ever crossed your mind?"

"Maybe…"

"And what turned you away?"

She just shrugged her shoulders.

"How do you feel about me becoming a Delt? It seems that once I went through with rush and pledging, you just got turned off. Why is that? How do you feel about me and delts?"

"I don't know".

Now he was getting fucking pissed off. He sensed lies."You're keeping stuff from me. I don't like that. I really don't." His voice became more stern but not for long. The booze started to slur again. "Has it ever occurred to you that I'm crazy for you? Have you realized that I am head over heels for you and that I want to be a in a relationship ship with you? Every time I talk to someone, I look at their eyes. But your eyes, I can't do it. I feel such a burst of this good feeling, this feeling of enamouredness and warmth. I get so fuzzy inside and I can't stop smiling. I feel it so strongly that I can't bear to look in your eyes because I know that if I do, I'll be so addicted and when you leave me or reject me, I don't know what I'll do. This is your chance to say yes or no and let me know if my dream can come true." The alcohol was wearing him out more quickly than before. His tone of romance came out with weariness instead. Speaking out his true feelings did take a fight. There should be no surprise that he was out of breath by now, panting like a warrior after an almost lost battle. Inside him, his conscious just fought its censor which for any man is no easy task. "If there is another guy, I need to know so I can move on and we, as in you and I, can both say goodbye to the possibility of us being together and just remain friends. If you're going to break my heart, just shatter it right away. No need to fucking prolong it. Just do it and get it over with."

And it came tumbling down. It came crashing down and only he heard it.

He walked outside to the desert night. And for the first time, he felt cold. All he wanted was her touch to warm him. He chuckled because he knew she had "cold blood". Her hands were just always cold, but at this point he felt that they could be bright sun-rays to his daisy heart. Instead, he prepared himself for the cold journey.