The Good Life

Oh man am I living the rock star life style. Work hard, play hard: two midterms in two days, two country clubs in two days (along with two parties in two days). There also a downside to this hardcore lifestyle. I've pissed in more places that weren't toilets than were toilets. Yes, I know it's dirty, but it comes with the life.

My Epiphany

What if the world was upside down and we could walk on the sky?

In a right-side up world,

When you get sad, you look down

At the pavement.

 

The pavement is a dirty place. Full of footprints

And dirt and lots of dust. That stuff is dirty.

There's no way it can cheer you up. In fact,

It just makes you more depressed.

 

But if the world were upside down and we walked upon the sky,

Every time we were consumed with sadness,

We would like down and see no pavement

But we would see the sky and the stars,

And their twinkling would lift our gloom.

 

-Zahir Alibhai

10/24/2008

 

I had to write that poem and separate it from the filth below.

The Recount

Talk about emotion last night, there was plenty of it. I think it's important to recollect what happened at the Delt Big on the 23^rd. It's quite important.

I got there and it was cracking. Sunshine was already fucked up like no other. Apparently, he had been drinking for an hour and a half. I got a beer and I was still sober.

Then I go up to Rich and I tell him I'm still sober. He just gives me his can of Monster and says "kill it". I ask him what's in it and he just says "don't ask, just drink". I think it was Popov. Oh well. Whatever that shit was, it got me hammered real quick.

And obviously she shows up with him. Haha that was humorous. I totally tried to ignore her and every time she tried to talk to me, I just said "bye". She even said to me "you said we had to run into each other, so here, we're running into each other". For some reason, that upset me. You don't call out shit like that.

And then the cops came. First they came one by and one, discreetly. They circled the place and blocked off the entrance. Then the chopper arrived and all the blue and reds turned on. Not good.

Donna and Julia were driving. Julia was probably disgusted by everything but I think my humor distracted her from it, so it all balances out in the end.

And then I didn't just get cock-blocked, I was fucking cock-deflected to next year. I call her to make sure she's getting home safely and HE picks up. There is no other slap in the face that hurts more. Just by answering the phone he said "Hey bitch, I got her, she's mine so back the fuck off. I'm takin' care of her so go and leave". Yeah, that's why it hurt.

And then Donna gave me toast, again. It was much tastier than the previous toast she gave me, but it was easier to eat the last toast. I wish it had the thickness of the last toast with the taste of the current toast. That would have been excellent.

Then she got me fresh donuts. I ate one and threw it away. Too much sugar in one night.

And there was a vomit episode somewhere in there.

I went to sleep and damn it felt good to sleep. Most important in the next post.

Wisdom from Within

So today I am officially off the UCR Raas team. I don't know if they dropped me or if I resigned. I'm going to say I resigned to protect my dignity. It's 11:11 pm, make a wish. Anyways, when I told them and the drop was confirmed, I felt sad. I didn't want to give up Garba. It's what I have left of my Indian culture at UCR and really, I enjoy garba SO much. But alas, there are slightly more important things that I have committed my time to.

The hardest thing was saying no. I felt so weak. I felt vulnerable and that I wasn't good enough for life in general. It's like someone gave me this challenge and I had to step away. Hmph, me and my ego. Always thinking that we can do anything together. But the reality is we can't. It takes strength to say no and it's even more noble to say no when you're the weakest leak. Take one for the team, but more importantly, say it so that I may not falter and bring others down with me.

And also, I hate liars*. If you're with someone, just say so, don't beat around it. We're all adults here and by keeping secrets, you're actually the one being a child.

 

-Zah

 

*Yes, I know I lie too, but they're always joke-lies. When people ask me "are you serious?" I respond with "no". If you ask me for the truth without the humorous context, I will give it to you without hesitation.

Literary Release

There she was just flirting with the guys. They were crazy for her, but not like I was. I was way in over my head. I thought I deserved her and they knew better than that. Usually reason is motivation to do or say anything, but right now, it was alcohol and there was plenty of it. He took a shot, went up to her and said "Look, we need to have a serious conversation. Seriously serious"

Confused as hell she said "Umm okay".

"Look, I want to get to know you. And a lot of the questions I have are very personal and really, I don't want to invade your privacy" he slurred quickly. "SO if it at any point, you don't want to answer, just say 'that's personal' and I'll back off. No questions asked. I will provide the answer myself with my assumptions. And at the same time, feel free to ask me anything"

"Okay." She was definitely not ready for this.

"Who was your first boyfriend?"

"What are you trying to get at?"

"Fine. How many boyfriends have you officially had?"

She replied with her number.

"How many boys have you been romantically with, kind of like … an unofficial boyfriend?"

She replied a slightly higher number.

"Interesting. When was your first romantic kiss?" He thought she was going to say something along the lines that she's never kissed a boy. Instead, she responded with an age. Looks like she was the pulling surprises.

"Are you currently romantically involved with someone right now. If you lie to me" and added her name to the end to emphasize his point. Just because the alcohol was doing the talking did not mean that later on he couldn't follow up the threat. "I will never speak to you again. Just watch"

"that's too personal" she said.

"Moving on. Is the person you're romantically involved with in the same building as you?"

"Possibly".

"In the past 6 weeks, the entire time you've known me, have you ever thought of me as being your boyfriend? Has it ever crossed your mind?"

"Maybe…"

"And what turned you away?"

She just shrugged her shoulders.

"How do you feel about me becoming a Delt? It seems that once I went through with rush and pledging, you just got turned off. Why is that? How do you feel about me and delts?"

"I don't know".

Now he was getting fucking pissed off. He sensed lies."You're keeping stuff from me. I don't like that. I really don't." His voice became more stern but not for long. The booze started to slur again. "Has it ever occurred to you that I'm crazy for you? Have you realized that I am head over heels for you and that I want to be a in a relationship ship with you? Every time I talk to someone, I look at their eyes. But your eyes, I can't do it. I feel such a burst of this good feeling, this feeling of enamouredness and warmth. I get so fuzzy inside and I can't stop smiling. I feel it so strongly that I can't bear to look in your eyes because I know that if I do, I'll be so addicted and when you leave me or reject me, I don't know what I'll do. This is your chance to say yes or no and let me know if my dream can come true." The alcohol was wearing him out more quickly than before. His tone of romance came out with weariness instead. Speaking out his true feelings did take a fight. There should be no surprise that he was out of breath by now, panting like a warrior after an almost lost battle. Inside him, his conscious just fought its censor which for any man is no easy task. "If there is another guy, I need to know so I can move on and we, as in you and I, can both say goodbye to the possibility of us being together and just remain friends. If you're going to break my heart, just shatter it right away. No need to fucking prolong it. Just do it and get it over with."

And it came tumbling down. It came crashing down and only he heard it.

He walked outside to the desert night. And for the first time, he felt cold. All he wanted was her touch to warm him. He chuckled because he knew she had "cold blood". Her hands were just always cold, but at this point he felt that they could be bright sun-rays to his daisy heart. Instead, he prepared himself for the cold journey.

Just Be Honest

Am I in way over head? Am I going way too crazy for this girl?

I don't think I'm upset at the situation, but more that it happens repeatedly. It's not just her and him particularly, but more that it's one more time that this has happened to me. Why do I always get blocked like that?

It's also their denial. That's what it is. If you two are developing, then totally go for it. No need to hide it.

Think rational Zahir. Think with reason. Don't wallow in your misery.

My Parents are…Parents

Since high school, I've known that I truly am my father's son. The habits that he had when he was my age are gone beyond nurture and seemed to be part of nature. But today during the car ride, I put my finger on a different lesson. I've learned by business skills from my dad and my logic and knowledge of economics from my mother. I truly am a product of both of their knowledge skills combined.

It's funny how I think of myself as becoming an accomplished economist but when I look at my mother, I am truly stunned and how well she knows what she's doing. It's not in academic terms, but it's definitely in layman's terms and personally, I think that provides better communication. She really is a smart, intelligent person who has never given up learning.

Need to Read It Myself

So I just need to think out loud, slow my brain down and get my schedule on to paper. In essence, I need to juggle the following commitments: School, Housing, Garba, Greek, PG and AKYSB.

1. School - Done
2. Housing - Just make the damn posters
3. Garba - Show up to practices
4. Greek - Get by...
5. PG - Teleconference
6. AKYSB - Get updates and to do tasks.

Looks like on Wednesday, I have to be at 3 places at once.

Everyone's Doing It

I've noticed the trendiest thing to do with blogs is to write social commentary. I try to refrain because I'm not perfect so who am I to comment on society and my peers. It's like I'm trying to enact reform in accordance with my own personal agenda.

But there are things that need to be pointed out. Here's my latest irritation with my peers:

There's only one thing worse than poor grammar. Using advanced grammar incorrectly to show that you know grammar, when really, you don't know the difference.

The insider scoop is that on college essays and really, any other essay, if you try to use big words, the readers will figure it out. Same thing applies to the way you put your words together.

I see people commenting on Facebook pictures with "this and my mom and I" or "This is the bridge and I". It makes me shudder or they will say "take a picture of Lucy and I"

Hate to break your bubble but it actually is "This is me and and my mom" and "take a picture of me and Lucy"

So please, don't try to use something if you don't know how it works. And face it, grammar is fucking hard. So if you just make the same ignorant mistakes as everyone else, you won't be that far behind. Trying to show off what you don't have, that might hurt you rather than help.

And that my friends, is it. It was something I had to do.

Stress

So this is going to be a really bad week. My schedule is all over the place. Why do all my classes have to be toward the evening? or why do the rush events have to be while I have class?

And what scares me the most is that this is just the beginning. If I do get a bid from the Delts, then how will pledging be? My schedule will haywire. Partnership Golf and the Sports Tourney will undoubtedly suffer. Are those teams and events important?

The way I see it, this is one of my last chances to Rush. There will be more opportunities.

Or if I can learn to balance.

Experience is the only teacher that gives the test first and then the lesson.

I want to surf and swim in the ocean, as toxic as it may be.

I want to visit where the sun's rays sparkle like glitter in the horizon,
all whilst you run your fingers through my hair.

The line which separates dream and memory is action. Is it in me?