No Lies

There seems to be love in the air. Everywhere I turn; there are couples being made and relationships being forged. They may not be Facebook official, but something could be going on. From an economists point of view, that leaves about 10 weeks for the relationship to bud giving prime profit for the Valentines industry.

As for me, I'm not getting involved; too many things on my mind. And besides, there's that whole commitment thing I need to work on.

Anyways babe, it's true, "these feelin's won't go away. They be knockin' me sideways." I can say it all I want but whether you believe me or not is the issue. You're waiting for the right man to come around, but even if he did, would you give him a chance?

Let's learn to laugh and grow together.

-Z

Los Angeles – the only city where rain creates as much chaos as a terrorist attack.

I'm ambivalent about the rain right now. I like it because there's opportunity to do winter things like sit and read by a fireplace or splash in puddles or enjoy hot chocolate. But deep down inside, I'm a cali-boy. I need to wear my sandals, I need to wear shorts. I need to be able to see the sun at 4 pm no matter what "season" it is. It's not being spoiled, it's being from California.

There’s No Way I Can Do This Many Things…and Not Be Pissed Off

Anger management time homies! The entree is a cynical with a heavy pinch of sarcasm and no sympathy for miles.

1. There are certain pledge bros that piss the fuck out of me.
   
   1. Finster – your fucking rhetoric is getting us nowhere. We need more actions to accomplish our shit. Also, you're doing a really good job of fulfilling the "frat boy" stereotype. Get a damn grip.
      
   2. Pretty Boy P - You fucking dick. Could you not say no? Did you have to take the chance? Do you think it's a fucking joke? Not with Dedick.
      
   3. Fake Mexican – you damn cockblock. That's all I can say to you.
      
   4. Mickey Mouse Smile – must you act like a freshman?
      
   5. Hiney – Stop being a stalker. Seriously, open your eyes and experience life and try to be Type B personality. May I suggest growing a pair or is that too much?
      
2. IFC – you guys are pretty damn inconsistent. I think you're leaning toward disgrace.
   
3. AKYSB – stop underestimating me and my capabilities. Al, you're damn condescending.
   
4. My grades are satisfying, but I'm not happy with them. Or am I just lying to myself?
   
5. I need to get on an internship search pronto.
   
6. Sara, I really want to write you a letter. In fact, I just want to sit on a train from Riverside to Union Station and spend the trip telling you all that you deserve to know.
   

And now what made me happy:

1. The restoration of balance. Balancing my extracurriculars with my friends, that feels good. That centers me. Honestly, these lunches and dinners, as expensive as they are, they are extremely helpful. I can't thank you guys enough.
   
2. I wrote in my journal a few weeks ago. It was a bunch of questions pertaining to what makes greatness. I found my answer on the Wall Street Journal with Malcolm Gladwell's (my new favorite author) Outliers. In his new book, he will essentially attempt to answer all my questions.
   
   1. Now as a side-note, here's what I'm wondering. If I'm asking the same questions as he is, does that make me as smart as him? Does that mean that I too can be on the same path as him? According to him, it's the strength of the serendipity that is involved. Which brings me back to the original question: what exactly makes greatness and how much power do we, as humans, have to manipulate the factors?
      
3. Vancouver – I'm so excited to finally take a break.
   

I have blogs on my phone. I need a way to get them from the Mobile Word to BlogSpot. Without that shit being expensive.

And I need to learn how to operate without sleep. I think I'm a sleep-a-holic. Seriously, I believe that I can sleep my problems away. That's really not good (but neither is going cold turkey…especially concerning sleep).

I've decided that right now, my sweet spot is for blondes. I am definitely digging blondes.

I have rediscovered my love for Indian music. Just the way it resonates to me, I feel like Indian music speaks truly to my soul rather to my senses.

Rebellion as Our Fuel

"What's your fantasy?"
"Like sexual?" she questioned back at him. Her defense was on the rise.
"No. I mean, in general. A fantasy, a dream: some aspiration that you have"

The chemical interaction had begun. It was a complete social setting, but the parallels to science are too obvious. It felt like a slow reaction was occurring. All the elements were mixing together. Reservation, spontaneity, insanity. They were all mixing with booze as the catalyst. You know trouble is lurking somewhere. This is the story of how it comes out.

About 7 donut holes, a sip of a wine cooler, and quite possibly a Fat Tire later she answers my question. "I want to see the sunrise at the beach! You want to go!?"

"I'm down". You can't expect any emotion from me when I'm tipsy.
"Seriously?"
"Yeah. Let's go".
"Like this?" as she looked at her Halloween costume. She was either a Sarah Palin transitioning to a nun or a librarian feeling naughty.
"of course not. We're going to change". My costume was beyond ridiculous. Skinny jeans and Converse do not belong on the beach no matter who you are (and let's not mention the hair and make up)

And so it began.

Before we know it, we're on the 60 east passing Pyrite Street. That exit reminds me of fire. I feel like every time I pass it, I have to light something on fire.

"We're really crazy".
"yeah, I know. The way I see it, it's either now or never. No regrets"

The trip continued with a conversation between two normal friends with their world shrinking around and between them.

Almost by instinct, the car parks in the perfect spot. They sit and slowly fall asleep. Waiting is the name of the game.

And she wakes up saying "oh wow". The surfers look like ants. Did that ant just die? Oh wait, he's still alive.

Now the game is to not blink. Seriously.

We sit there talking about which shade of yellow and orange we love. Which color mesmerizes us the most?

It's the goldenrod yellow for her, the burnt orange for me. If you blink, you might miss the shade you love the most.

Uh oh. The clouds are still there. I hated the clouds. As I sat there waiting for that gorgeous flaming ball to come up, I imagined the clouds to be like a lid. How dare the clouds try to stop the sun from rising? I hoped for the all powerful orb to push the clouds out of the way, send them back where they came from and show off its full glory.

Music was needed so I start browsing through my playlist. "Banana Pancakes" sounds good. I'm scrolling and scrolling and I see "Here Comes the Sun". Perfect. I saw a snowflake smile. It was a smile that was never seen before and never to be seen again; pure and genuine and only to be seen for a split second.

But there was an interesting turn in events. The cursed clouds began to turn into a canvas of never-seen colors. The naked eye saw shades of purple and violet reflected in the clouds that I never thought the sun had in it. What started as a curse turned into a blessing.

The best part of the trip was not just watching the sun rise. It was the drive back. Everything felt so surreal. Did we really drive out to LA for a sunrise?

It was more than seeing the sun rise, it was escaping. It was getting away from everything. It was turning an everyday event into our prize. For a full 12 hours, she and I were on our own, relying on our wits. "Here Comes the Sun" will always sound sweeter to me, In-N-Out hasn't hit the spot like that in about 3 years, and I'm pretty sure she and I will never look at the sun the same way again.

People label insanity as a curse, just like those clouds: for today, without any regrets, that insanity was a blessing.

The Good Life

Oh man am I living the rock star life style. Work hard, play hard: two midterms in two days, two country clubs in two days (along with two parties in two days). There also a downside to this hardcore lifestyle. I've pissed in more places that weren't toilets than were toilets. Yes, I know it's dirty, but it comes with the life.

My Epiphany

What if the world was upside down and we could walk on the sky?

In a right-side up world,

When you get sad, you look down

At the pavement.

 

The pavement is a dirty place. Full of footprints

And dirt and lots of dust. That stuff is dirty.

There's no way it can cheer you up. In fact,

It just makes you more depressed.

 

But if the world were upside down and we walked upon the sky,

Every time we were consumed with sadness,

We would like down and see no pavement

But we would see the sky and the stars,

And their twinkling would lift our gloom.

 

-Zahir Alibhai

10/24/2008

 

I had to write that poem and separate it from the filth below.

The Recount

Talk about emotion last night, there was plenty of it. I think it's important to recollect what happened at the Delt Big on the 23^rd. It's quite important.

I got there and it was cracking. Sunshine was already fucked up like no other. Apparently, he had been drinking for an hour and a half. I got a beer and I was still sober.

Then I go up to Rich and I tell him I'm still sober. He just gives me his can of Monster and says "kill it". I ask him what's in it and he just says "don't ask, just drink". I think it was Popov. Oh well. Whatever that shit was, it got me hammered real quick.

And obviously she shows up with him. Haha that was humorous. I totally tried to ignore her and every time she tried to talk to me, I just said "bye". She even said to me "you said we had to run into each other, so here, we're running into each other". For some reason, that upset me. You don't call out shit like that.

And then the cops came. First they came one by and one, discreetly. They circled the place and blocked off the entrance. Then the chopper arrived and all the blue and reds turned on. Not good.

Donna and Julia were driving. Julia was probably disgusted by everything but I think my humor distracted her from it, so it all balances out in the end.

And then I didn't just get cock-blocked, I was fucking cock-deflected to next year. I call her to make sure she's getting home safely and HE picks up. There is no other slap in the face that hurts more. Just by answering the phone he said "Hey bitch, I got her, she's mine so back the fuck off. I'm takin' care of her so go and leave". Yeah, that's why it hurt.

And then Donna gave me toast, again. It was much tastier than the previous toast she gave me, but it was easier to eat the last toast. I wish it had the thickness of the last toast with the taste of the current toast. That would have been excellent.

Then she got me fresh donuts. I ate one and threw it away. Too much sugar in one night.

And there was a vomit episode somewhere in there.

I went to sleep and damn it felt good to sleep. Most important in the next post.

Wisdom from Within

So today I am officially off the UCR Raas team. I don't know if they dropped me or if I resigned. I'm going to say I resigned to protect my dignity. It's 11:11 pm, make a wish. Anyways, when I told them and the drop was confirmed, I felt sad. I didn't want to give up Garba. It's what I have left of my Indian culture at UCR and really, I enjoy garba SO much. But alas, there are slightly more important things that I have committed my time to.

The hardest thing was saying no. I felt so weak. I felt vulnerable and that I wasn't good enough for life in general. It's like someone gave me this challenge and I had to step away. Hmph, me and my ego. Always thinking that we can do anything together. But the reality is we can't. It takes strength to say no and it's even more noble to say no when you're the weakest leak. Take one for the team, but more importantly, say it so that I may not falter and bring others down with me.

And also, I hate liars*. If you're with someone, just say so, don't beat around it. We're all adults here and by keeping secrets, you're actually the one being a child.

 

-Zah

 

*Yes, I know I lie too, but they're always joke-lies. When people ask me "are you serious?" I respond with "no". If you ask me for the truth without the humorous context, I will give it to you without hesitation.

Literary Release

There she was just flirting with the guys. They were crazy for her, but not like I was. I was way in over my head. I thought I deserved her and they knew better than that. Usually reason is motivation to do or say anything, but right now, it was alcohol and there was plenty of it. He took a shot, went up to her and said "Look, we need to have a serious conversation. Seriously serious"

Confused as hell she said "Umm okay".

"Look, I want to get to know you. And a lot of the questions I have are very personal and really, I don't want to invade your privacy" he slurred quickly. "SO if it at any point, you don't want to answer, just say 'that's personal' and I'll back off. No questions asked. I will provide the answer myself with my assumptions. And at the same time, feel free to ask me anything"

"Okay." She was definitely not ready for this.

"Who was your first boyfriend?"

"What are you trying to get at?"

"Fine. How many boyfriends have you officially had?"

She replied with her number.

"How many boys have you been romantically with, kind of like … an unofficial boyfriend?"

She replied a slightly higher number.

"Interesting. When was your first romantic kiss?" He thought she was going to say something along the lines that she's never kissed a boy. Instead, she responded with an age. Looks like she was the pulling surprises.

"Are you currently romantically involved with someone right now. If you lie to me" and added her name to the end to emphasize his point. Just because the alcohol was doing the talking did not mean that later on he couldn't follow up the threat. "I will never speak to you again. Just watch"

"that's too personal" she said.

"Moving on. Is the person you're romantically involved with in the same building as you?"

"Possibly".

"In the past 6 weeks, the entire time you've known me, have you ever thought of me as being your boyfriend? Has it ever crossed your mind?"

"Maybe…"

"And what turned you away?"

She just shrugged her shoulders.

"How do you feel about me becoming a Delt? It seems that once I went through with rush and pledging, you just got turned off. Why is that? How do you feel about me and delts?"

"I don't know".

Now he was getting fucking pissed off. He sensed lies."You're keeping stuff from me. I don't like that. I really don't." His voice became more stern but not for long. The booze started to slur again. "Has it ever occurred to you that I'm crazy for you? Have you realized that I am head over heels for you and that I want to be a in a relationship ship with you? Every time I talk to someone, I look at their eyes. But your eyes, I can't do it. I feel such a burst of this good feeling, this feeling of enamouredness and warmth. I get so fuzzy inside and I can't stop smiling. I feel it so strongly that I can't bear to look in your eyes because I know that if I do, I'll be so addicted and when you leave me or reject me, I don't know what I'll do. This is your chance to say yes or no and let me know if my dream can come true." The alcohol was wearing him out more quickly than before. His tone of romance came out with weariness instead. Speaking out his true feelings did take a fight. There should be no surprise that he was out of breath by now, panting like a warrior after an almost lost battle. Inside him, his conscious just fought its censor which for any man is no easy task. "If there is another guy, I need to know so I can move on and we, as in you and I, can both say goodbye to the possibility of us being together and just remain friends. If you're going to break my heart, just shatter it right away. No need to fucking prolong it. Just do it and get it over with."

And it came tumbling down. It came crashing down and only he heard it.

He walked outside to the desert night. And for the first time, he felt cold. All he wanted was her touch to warm him. He chuckled because he knew she had "cold blood". Her hands were just always cold, but at this point he felt that they could be bright sun-rays to his daisy heart. Instead, he prepared himself for the cold journey.

Just Be Honest

Am I in way over head? Am I going way too crazy for this girl?

I don't think I'm upset at the situation, but more that it happens repeatedly. It's not just her and him particularly, but more that it's one more time that this has happened to me. Why do I always get blocked like that?

It's also their denial. That's what it is. If you two are developing, then totally go for it. No need to hide it.

Think rational Zahir. Think with reason. Don't wallow in your misery.

My Parents are…Parents

Since high school, I've known that I truly am my father's son. The habits that he had when he was my age are gone beyond nurture and seemed to be part of nature. But today during the car ride, I put my finger on a different lesson. I've learned by business skills from my dad and my logic and knowledge of economics from my mother. I truly am a product of both of their knowledge skills combined.

It's funny how I think of myself as becoming an accomplished economist but when I look at my mother, I am truly stunned and how well she knows what she's doing. It's not in academic terms, but it's definitely in layman's terms and personally, I think that provides better communication. She really is a smart, intelligent person who has never given up learning.

Need to Read It Myself

So I just need to think out loud, slow my brain down and get my schedule on to paper. In essence, I need to juggle the following commitments: School, Housing, Garba, Greek, PG and AKYSB.

1. School - Done
2. Housing - Just make the damn posters
3. Garba - Show up to practices
4. Greek - Get by...
5. PG - Teleconference
6. AKYSB - Get updates and to do tasks.

Looks like on Wednesday, I have to be at 3 places at once.

Everyone's Doing It

I've noticed the trendiest thing to do with blogs is to write social commentary. I try to refrain because I'm not perfect so who am I to comment on society and my peers. It's like I'm trying to enact reform in accordance with my own personal agenda.

But there are things that need to be pointed out. Here's my latest irritation with my peers:

There's only one thing worse than poor grammar. Using advanced grammar incorrectly to show that you know grammar, when really, you don't know the difference.

The insider scoop is that on college essays and really, any other essay, if you try to use big words, the readers will figure it out. Same thing applies to the way you put your words together.

I see people commenting on Facebook pictures with "this and my mom and I" or "This is the bridge and I". It makes me shudder or they will say "take a picture of Lucy and I"

Hate to break your bubble but it actually is "This is me and and my mom" and "take a picture of me and Lucy"

So please, don't try to use something if you don't know how it works. And face it, grammar is fucking hard. So if you just make the same ignorant mistakes as everyone else, you won't be that far behind. Trying to show off what you don't have, that might hurt you rather than help.

And that my friends, is it. It was something I had to do.

Stress

So this is going to be a really bad week. My schedule is all over the place. Why do all my classes have to be toward the evening? or why do the rush events have to be while I have class?

And what scares me the most is that this is just the beginning. If I do get a bid from the Delts, then how will pledging be? My schedule will haywire. Partnership Golf and the Sports Tourney will undoubtedly suffer. Are those teams and events important?

The way I see it, this is one of my last chances to Rush. There will be more opportunities.

Or if I can learn to balance.

Experience is the only teacher that gives the test first and then the lesson.

I want to surf and swim in the ocean, as toxic as it may be.

I want to visit where the sun's rays sparkle like glitter in the horizon,
all whilst you run your fingers through my hair.

The line which separates dream and memory is action. Is it in me?

Taste

I tasted death this morning.

I walk on the black tar below my feet. The darkest black beneath me.

Why was I saved? Was it to calm me? to tame me?

As I walk on the black tar, down the road, I see a black car.

There is a reason its headlights are on. They are on to save me.

And they definitely have.

Weighings

Most people see me the same way: they doubt my intelligence, but later learn that I have an abundance of it. When I speak of my accomplishments, I'm greeted with extraordinary compliment, as if I did better than I was expected to. That kind of thinking is what got me here in the first place. It is ultimately up to me to set expectations for myself. That is what will get me ahead.

In the English sentence, every word has a connotation. I pay attention to this. Many people don't know this, but my observation skills are very keen. I notice every slight detail. Even in your speech. I make extensive use of these subtleties and I don't know who else. does that When I speak (and really, this goes for any speaker), I carefully distinguish between "when" and "if". One implies certainty, the other chance. This has huge consequences. If I refer to an event and say "when", and you don't object, you actually confirm that it will happen. When I say "if" it happens and there's no call to its certainty or lack of, then I err on the side of caution that the event will not occur.

Is that not right? Well if it isn't, maybe you should start paying attention to the words being used.

Viva la vida...story of my life.

The voice of reason speaks beyond friendship. You yourself are responsible for the company you keep.

Blue Light Chronicles

The one class that I skipped the most was Religious Studies. I didn't buy the book, so I never finished the readings and found it pointless to go to class. At this point, that class has had the most relevance in my life. Finally, the humanities make their impact in my day-to-day life. They're not as pointless as all Science majors think they are.

The most pertinent class this quarter was my Religious Studies class. The concepts that I learned in that class have really helped me make sense of my life. As some of you may know, my birthday passed a few days ago. My friend Aleena and I always get into an argument about my birthday because I refuse to tell anyone when my birthday is. She believes that my birthday should be known to everyone. At first, I thought Aleena and I were on two different sides of the problem. It seemed her mindset was wrong, but thanks to this Religious Studies class and some reflection on my part, we're looking at the same mindset from two different points of view.

I believed that birthday was mundane, it was just an ordinary day. People always forgot it was my birthday and so the reason I never tell anyone is because they're going to forget it anyways. Aleena on the other hand believes that someone's birthday is a very sacred day and that it should be celebrated, by not celebrating it, I am disrespecting the sanctity of life.

And here comes the idea of taboo, thank you to James C. Livingston. My birthday was not mundane to me at all, in fact it was ultra-sacred. I did not want my birthday to be known by others because they create it to be mundane. Strangers (and some distant friends) knowing my birthday took the sacred aspect out of my birthday, thus the definition of Livingston's taboo. She celebrates the sanctity through sharing, I celebrate the sanctity by not sharing. Interesting, don't you think?

It's also interesting to look at the ABC drama Lost and to see their society through a religious perspective. It should be a fun season and intellectual twist to entertainment.

So let's continue with my stats class. It was actually Econ 101 or Econ Stats, but it wasn't really econ, it was stats. How did that help my world outlook?

According to the New York Times, 1.6 million Chinese residents have been displaced due to the floods and earthquakes that have occurred. According to the harsh mathematics, that's less than 1% of the population. Will the Chinese government actually do something for them? I haven't done my reading so I wouldn't know. Would any government pay attention to a grieving 1% of the population? Would the press need to present the people's plight for the government to do good and help? Too many questions and not enough answers. But this gives me evidence that the human race can be inherently good. The fact that so many people are concerned about 1.6 million people on the other side of the world or on the other side of the state line gives me hope that the world isn't so bad after all.

Los Angeles: The City of Hope

As my good friend Erica Younge said, "I have never been so optimistic after a loss" and that is exactly how I feel. The lakers came back 22 points from a 24 point deficit late in Game 2 of the NBA Finals. Had the referees been officiating fairly, the Lakers would not have been in that conundrum in the first place. And still! They shot back giving the entire Celtic team a huge shock.

We're two games down, the Celtics are halfway there, but it's our turn to play some ball, LA style. If we can do what we did in Boston, a three game home sweep should not be a problem. I leave it up to the fortunate (and I'm not only talking about luck) fans who will at Staples Center to give Boston the heat and cheer our team to Victory. Please don't give up. If Kobe didn't give up in the 3rd quarter, you shouldn't give up by the 3rd game.

-Zahir

The Gap

I'm suffering from a universal problem. What annoys me is that I don't want to be part of the group that makes the condition "universal".

It's all about the space between coming up with an idea and then executing that idea. I have so much stuff that I need to do and even more things that I want to do. The hard part is getting the imaginative ideas from my head on to paper.

And boy oh boy do i have a lot of stuff to buy over summer...

The beats are exotic but I feel like I am at home. The native Bombay reverberates throughout my temple. It's so familiar, but it's so far away. All that matters is that I understand her, I understand the stranger.